‘Funny Christian Jokes’ Category

A Child Asks: How Were People Born?

A child asked his father,
“How were people born?”

So his father said,
“Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said,
“You lied to me!”

His father replied,
“No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Church Hymns Related to People’s Occupations

Here’s a collection of hymn titles for certain occupations:

~ Astronaut: “Nearer My God, To Thee”
~ Baker: “I Need Thee Every Hour”
~ Barber: “A Parting Hymn We Sing”
~ Baseball Batter: “Seek Thee First”
~ Builder: “How Firm A Foundation” and “The Church’s One Foundation”
~ Canoeist: “Flow, River, Flow”
~ Carpenter: “The Nail Scarred Hand”
~ Children’s Librarian: “We’ve A Story To Tell”
~ Chiropractor: “Awake My Soul, Stretch Every Nerve”
~ Civil Engineer: “When I Survey The Wondrous Cross”
~ Dentist: “Crown Him With Many Crowns”
~ Electrician: “O Joyful Light” and “Send The Light”
~ Fisherman: “Shall We Gather At The River?”
~ Golfer: “There Is A Green Hill Far Away”
~ Gossiper: “Pass It On,” “It Is No Secret,” and “Oh, For A Thousand Tongues”
~ Historian: “Tell Me The Old, Old Story”
~ IRS: “All To Thee (I Owe)” and “We Give Thee But Thine Own”
~ Jogger: “The Path Of Life”
~ Lifeguard: “Come To The Water”
~ Long-Distance Trucker: “On The Highways And Byways Of Life”
~ Mathematician: “10,000 Times, 10,000 Times”
~ Medical Technician: “Revive Us Again”
~ Mountain Climber: “The Rock That Is Higher Than I”
~ Newlywed: “I Need Thee Every Hour”
~ Obstetrician: “He Is Able To Deliver Thee”
~ Optometrist: “Open Mine Eyes That I Might See” and “When I Can Read My Title Clear”
~ Paratrooper: “Now On Land And Sea Descending”
~ Philosopher: “I Am Thinking Today”
~ Politician: “Standing On The Promises”
~ Real Estate Agent: “I’ve Got A Mansion”
~ Sailboater: “Deep River”
~ Sceptic: “Almost Persuaded”
~ Shopper: “Sweet By And By”
~ Speech Therapist: “He Never Said A Mumbling Word”
~ Steeple Builder: “Lift High The Cross”
~ Stonecutter: “Rock Of Ages”
~ Switchboard Operator: “There’s A Call Comes Ringing”
~ Tailor: “Holy, Holy, Holy”
~ Voice Teacher: “Sing Them Over Again To Me”
~ Watchmaker: “Take Time To Be Holy”
~ Watchman: “Silent Night”
~ Weatherman: “There Shall Be Showers Of Blessings”…

Without God our every week would be

Without God our every week would be:

Sinday
Mournday
Tearsday
Wasteday
Thirstday
Fightday
Shatterday

Remember, 7 days without God makes one weak!…

A Letter from a College Student

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad:

Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!

But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Love
Your $on

After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son:

NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern.

You Better Write That Down! (Funny Christian Jokes)

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.…

The Fatted Calf

The Sabbath School teacher was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, the teacher spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.

“Can anybody in the class,” he asked, “tell me who this was?”

A little girl in the middle row had been listening sympathetically to the story.…

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Here are some announcements taken from church bulletins across the country. They came out pretty funny. Seems we need to double-check what we put on those bulletins!

Attention Ladies: Don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of the things you don’t want in the house. Don’t forget to bring your husbands.

Potluck dinner at 5 pm.  Prayer and medication to follow.

We need 8 new choir robes due to the addition of several new members  and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Group Picture – There’s the teacher…

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”…

God is Watching

The children were lined up for potluck lunch after the service. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The deaconess made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE . God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”…

Why Are Some of Your Hair White?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”…

Copyright © MetSDA.org